Three Distinct Steps.

Step 1 -

Now I am in a place where I have no place,
I have been to many where I cannot belong.
As a drum sits waiting to be tapped through a layer of dust
I sit waiting to be tapped.
For here I have to share but what is it that I can share?
I am still learning.
I cannot talk of my life before,
But I am learning.
I am amazed at what my hands can do.
How much my brain takes on.
I have felted, I have woven,
I have laid hazel and laid under willow.
I have plucked and gutted.
My dear surprising hands, what next?
I can do things, I can share, my ability is there.
It just needs to be tapped. ljmh march/april 2010



Step 2 -

Inspirational Stirrings

Interesting lines in need of attention
And many more to add to my collection.
A single tree in a far off hedgerow
Soft rain on my toes.
I will heat my body up to sweat
And cool it down on damp grass.
I will watch the shadows write these words
That come from depths or outer regions.
Tensions high and thoughts entangled
My work stunted. Stop.

Push the right buttons, write the right phrases.
To tease out the boundaries, over and out.
Nonsenical ramblings and half finished poems.
Wonderful compliments to expand on.
Inspiration stirrings don't come to fruition but get knocked out by numbness.
How to start after months or years of nothingness.
How to stop a battle raging and start again.
People who listen but do they hear,
A fear rising every time its my turn,
It's a choice between truth or tears or
Closing it off and smiling OK
Astrological charts, intuitive thining, intentions and guides.
So much to think apon, act apon.

Stunted again at first chance of expression, fall back inward
So rest it will take a while. ljmh July 2010



Step 3 -

Talking Stick

Within a circle a purba was placed,
An impliment for killing off demons was explained
And off we went in fear or non committment,
To a hasty meditation to bring some clarity.
Eyes stayed shut to ignore the silence
Until sounds of a voice far off in the distance
Started to speak.
Awkwardly subjects raised, feelings said.
The purba clumsily passed and quickly discarded,
On what has already been a difficult day.

This day for me, a return to a state of younger years,
So familiar a feeling I took it happily and
Wallowed more and more, further removed from anything real.
I stopped for a bit to think it all through.
To write it all down and looking back
Over the things gone past, I see this cyclicar pattern
Revealed before my eyes off the pages of a blank writing book.
Familiar scenes unfold before me as I picture myself
alone and attempting to analyse a school of emotions,
And finding the only strong imagery written down
Was the nature of the sun or
The light touch of a raindrop.
A revealation strong but still no progress.

Talking stick continues,
I get handed the purba and asked a passive question:
Examples of cold life and warm life?
And fear bubbles to the surface.
My voice so seldom heard in matters of the heart
Attempts an answer, a trembling first word appears,
Then two tears,
Then a torrent.

Breath meets sob, a collision unmistakable.

A voice almost takes shape.

Hastily the purba leaves my shivering hands.
A blessed relief.

A few things stir in solidarity for
Words spoken about similar feelings and fears,
and allies.

My ally, just discovered, an elegant elastic figure,
With grace much unlike my own,
A green woman, imp like vision.
She gives me strength to feed my demons
delicious nectar.
I remember her simple words, all day forgotten,
Her reassurance and instruction.
And breathing deep and drawing her energy
All about my veins,
I hold my hope in my hands, something now textured,
And relief streams out in an exhale. ljmh july 2010

A Vision of Beauty

A tangle of chaotic hair in the morning,
An indication of hurricane dreams.
A wild glint in the evening
of prowling, stalking and loving.
A mysterious man I'm still discovering.
A delicious hurricane dance
In wild black chaotic night. ljmh 2010

Connections

Leaving was a pretty difficult thing to do, my heart was fluttering anywhere other then my need to focus on the task in hand, which was to move out. Tom was working back in the resturant trade again so he wasn't there to keep me grounded in these last few days of living in our little house in Henley. Grounding myself in times of change was always something that I found impossible to do. Instead I turned into an uncontrollable bouncing ball, knock me off a shelf and that was it, all kinds of diasterous thoughts, explosions of tears, great moments of disbelief and indecision loomed over me but not much relief could be found.

I'll look different in the spring a song told me in a moment of perfect clarity. In that momentI stopped my fantic cleaning of our bedroom and falling onto my bed, 3 years of worry and pain fell out of me and expectancy and excitment wrapped me up safely.

I'm thinking, thinking, thinking.
Too much time to think,
Excitement, hope and passion stirring,
Inspiration reawakening.

But from working, working, working,
Surrounded by people tired and sinking,
Negativity sets in.
It's saddening.

So long to go and so soon to freak out,
No like minds to talk to, no outside source to aim for, no concrete plans to carve.
Just explaining, explaining on deaf ears explaining.
It's tiring, it's draining, is it nothing?

(Is it something?)

It's something, it's everything,
It's got me writing, writing, writing.
Conflict has me creating but keep believing, keep strong.

It's something, something, something. ljmh 2009

Altogether we wwoofed for 10 months and it was incredible. After Christmas Tom and I focused on going to more permaculture projects, more woodland projects and more communities. From mid February right through to the end of May our hosts viewed us as 'professional' wwoofers and gave us independence, creative freedom and some amazing projects to do. From rebuilding a collapsed section of a dry stone wall in north wales to construction a 7 metre willow fence to keep sheep out. From building a polytunnel to creating a woodland vegetable patch from scratch. I have connected with the land and nature more then I ever thought I would. I have discovered my strength and tapped into my wisdom. I have learnt what my boundaries are and Tom's.

I want to send out a massive thank you to all who looked after us, you looked after us well
From that to now and we have been working with Buddhafield. With their cafe at the festivals and at their own glorious festival and now my learning is more concentrated on my spiritual self on my mind. I have faith in my body but my mind is a constantly challenging thing and I am surrounding by people who are challenging me to look at myself in sometimes alarming ways. We have found a community who have moved me to tears and surrounded both of us with love and support at every moment..