A Fleeting Feeling

After spending time outside
Its hard to step back inside.
It jolts uncomfortably
Causing moments of loss;
A loss of control over situations,
Surroundings.
In these moments of
Fleeting surrender
I am in the hands of the guardians.
Keep or kill they whisper to one another;
Pain-full or pain-less?

I stood back and watched my universe
Stop for a while.
A gentle acceptance of could have been fate.
No struggle, no fight.
As the hands of those I trust deeply,
Full of pain, came to my rescue.
I surrendered too easily, not knowing when or how to fight,
Choosing that time to try to fly.

I would have become the wind
The dust that sits on every embryo
Protecting, nurturing, comforting.
Drawn down deep inside every being
And flung back out again at a thrilling speed.
Not that much different from now,
I chuckle to myself,
I'm just made with more earth,
More places to hurt.
And it's still just as ethereal,
Demanding and
It dissipates just as quickly
as it coagulates.

Dust

 Dust

I pace around and around in a house of closed doors.

I open each and wander through.

I have moved through this room before

And will do again.

I circulate the house

Round and round,

Opening and closing, closing and opening.

My pacing slows

My skin dries

My mind gets heavy with the dust

That sits in the stifling air.

'Go outside' my heart whispers

Weakened to the thoughts of my mind.

My mind answers 'fuck off'

And my heart cowers behind my chest.

It keeps on beating, refusing to stop.

Whispering still

'Immerse yourself and your primal urge'

My mind, heavy with new dust,

settling on old dust and dead skin,

relents a tiny bit.

My mind is stagnant, stuggling. It is not free.

My choices are imposed on me.

As I walk around and around

This old crumbling house

I stop and look at the shafting sunlight.

My heart screams out..

'GO OUTSIDE and breathe some fresh air,

Go outside and smell frost giving way to spring.

The woodland sounds are yours to hear

The grass is soft and lush to touch.

Go, give your life to the earth out there.'

I pause for just a little bit longer

As the sun slides away, giving way to night.

I go outside,

Walk outside,

Run outside,

Down the road and to the right.

Dust flying from my sight.

Feb 2012

Start Travelling

You say that love has ruined you

And I say I see the depth in which your love

Will continue to give.

And I know you don't believe it right now

But believe me when I say

You are love.

You've come across pain.

The deep wounding pain that makes you

Question all manner of purpose and goals.

But deep down, at its very core

Love still lights and warms you.

Feed that fire so that it guides you,

Takes you on a journey.

Melts frozen bits, lights up dark bits.

Allow that warmth to flood your veins

To make you dance and sing.

It is not easy

To let go of that other just enough to allow

Yourself to rest.

And in that rest, that chrysalis

Your wings will grow, bright and beautiful.

But they are your wings and cannot be shared with another.

You may fly side by side for a while,

The beauty of another's journey

Is not the same as yours.

Don't close your eyes to yours.

ljmh2013

Destroy

Love has nearly destroyed me

And it continues to burn unnoticed.

Its fierceness unbound.

It eats me, pounds on my bones

Making then ache and plead for mercy

Ground into delirious dust.

Confusion as to where my present lies

Hidden in the dull persistent ache of

Old love's residue

And the rawness of being ripped away from

New love without explanation.

All my love now only exists in the centre of the crash

Grasping and wanting to cling onto whatever

Looks alive.

All my love I must direct inwards

To force my beating heart to carry me forwards

And not expel it outwards towards people

That will not honour me. Give me the

Simplest of kindnesses,

Honesty. And often the hardest

To say when the dignity of the

receiver feels in jeopardy.

Still, the known is better then

It's more secretly supported

savage sibling of the unknown..

ljmh 2013

Twist

We twisted our tales,

Merged imagination.

Told each other stories of love

And how love has hurt us.

We twisted our tails

Shared our wishes for wings.

I unfurled before you,

Filled my senses with you.

It was good,

I fell so quickly

So deeply

So I twist, twist it into my myth.

We twisted our splendour

As our spirits soared over the sea

I would sing to you daily

If only you'd let me.

We untwist, I untwist.

And I let go,

I try.