Restlessness and Stillness

So far what is real has been presented as imaginatively as possible, my poetry is my favourite way of expression but I feel that I should be presenting something real in as ordinary a way as possible, a spiritual practise some might say.

My life over the summer months was about the sanctity of chaos. Now, as the leaves quietly turn and drop off the trees I now must turn away from Chaos and try to focus my restless mind as the winter approaches. My situation has changed enough within the maze of 'alternative' living that itchy feet is becoming more and more of a common issue, after all I have been moving about the country every week or two to go and learn, find new things, add to my growing list of discoveries. I miss the structure of the day that wwoofing bought me and I have not yet settled in my new place. I am restless for working my day out in nature and stillness of being in the trees. I have naturally followed on from working with the Buddhafield cafe crew through the festival season to living with them down here in Devon and will be here until Christmas (3 months in the same place is a novel thing). So I am in a house, and its a good house with people I love with stunning countryside around it and I am trying to find a stillness in myself to be OK with what it is that I am doing.

What I am doing is living with a bunch of people that whilst over the winter will be working towards next years festival season, preparing the rituals for the Festival, fixing the cafe kit and revamping the cafe decor along with daily household duties and study nights in Buddhism. This work however has not started as we are collectively apple picking to earn a bit of cash to see us through till spring. Being in the apple orchards is quite a lovely thing, though repetitive, the apple fever set in last week and I was seeing apples behind my closed eyes. Time for a break I think! The guy we are picking for also agreed as we have overwhelmed him with apples that he has not been able to keep up, running out of bags and then containers to out the juice into, tomorrow will be all systems go again! Our cider making man, to deal with the apples that we have provided, has provided us with evening work pressing the apples, an interesting process but again repetitive. Its odd though that at the moment I am outside amongst the trees and yet I am still restless.

What I need to do is find the stillness in my restlessness and the quite in my chaos. This will be my focus over the next few months, to focus on pushing away my ego so that I can be still and mindful in all I do, to push away the doubts and inadequacies that stop me from doing things that make my mind and body happy and to ritualise the same things that make my mind and body happy.

A difficult task and I may make no progress or I could make some either way my existence in a chaotic world depends on it.

My Office Job Hell

I am so glad I am not working in that office anymore..

Shrill ringing echoes in an oversized open plan office
Brings me sharply from my dreaming.
Old tired men. thinking me lazy, useless,
Asking in an accuastory tone for things i have already done.
Motivation slides away, no remedy for reality,
Dreams rot under the floorboards with whatever died there last week.
Through the smell no longer is intensely entering my body,
Death eating at my lungs as i have no choice but to endure it,
Still lingers and cuts my nose.
No matter, my determination to see it through was destroyed on Monday by some
unthinking comment on the work i do unnoticed.
Old men hover, eyes on my back.
Slaps on the arse shudders me to the core
And sexual innuendo filters to my ears
ljmh Mar 2009